The Incident
One lovely Sunday morning, my mother, my son and I attended the usual Sunday service at our local Lutheran church where we were members at the time. My son was likely in elementary school at the time, I don't recall the year.
We lined up as the music played. When it was our turn, we walked up to the alter, kneeled and took communion. Cory, because he had not been confirmed, was not able to receive communion but was given the usual blessing by our pastor. When done, we proceeded down the aisle, observed by all, and returned to our previously vacated pew.
After church, we decided to go to American Furniture Warehouse. Still in our same attire, we made the long trek through the huge two level store which carries every imaginable piece of furniture and other home decor.
We were on the 2nd level when it happened. The details of the incident are still in dispute today but this is what I witnessed, it is what I recall.
Mom was walking ahead of me, we were separated by a woman pushing a stroller and my son was somewhere near me.
Now, this is where it gets fuzzy. There was some browsing so our order in the caravan of shoppers may have switched up a bit as we shopped and backtracked etc. At one point, while following the lady with the stoller, I saw something big and white laying on the floor, I assumed she dropped it from the load she was pushing. Maybe it fell from a diaper bag. I asked the lady if she dropped it, still not knowing what it was, we both stood there looking at it and then we both realized what it was. We both denied being the rightful owner. Just then, my son, in all his enthusiasm, reached for it and said, "what's that?". I hollered for him to leave it alone, not to touch it. Here comes mom, asking what it was, it then became apparent that what we were witnessing was a bright white pair of granny panties laying on the ground that Cory had picked up and immediatelly returned to it's temporary resting place. I looked at Stroller Lady, she looked at me, Mom looked at me, we all pointed at each other, no one was to lay claim to what appeared to be a freshly laundered or possibly brand new full coverage undergarment.
My mom ran. My mom doesn't run. She's a senior citizen and she ran out of that store so fast leaving me seemingly "unsupported". Thanks Mom.
Now, to further the mystery, I was wearing underwear so my panties were in place and doing their job (similar to that of a person sentenced to a life of hard labor in a North Korean prison).
I was adamant, and still am today, that that lady lost her panties at the furniture store, or.....possibly, we were on an episode of Candid Camera.
I held my head high (just like my panties) and followed mom out of the store.....but I didn't run. The guilty run. She believes they were mine, I disagree. I know that I've got serious junk in the trunk but I still wear one pair of panties at a time.
Now, the horrifying reality is this. There is a slim possibility that, although they didn't look familiar, this could be explained by a lack of dryer sheets in our laundry arsenal. What if they were mine? That would mean (and this horrifies me), I could have paraded around Immanuel Lutheran Church with wayward underwear hanging out of my pant leg. I kneeled for communion. My backside and opening of my pant leg were all facing the entire congregation. Not a word from anyone. Never a "sinking feeling".....not a tickle, not an unexplained lump in my slacks (my lumps are well known to me).
Only God and the security team watching video surveillance at the furniture store will ever know the truth.